Concepts of 'Reward - Punishment - Compensation' in Child Education

Giving children a good education is of course a common desire of all families. However, some mistakes made while trying to provide education can have serious repercussions. Because among the methods that families often use in child education, the most prominent one is the reward-punishment system. However, the subtle nuance between punishment and compensation is often overlooked and the resulting picture is not satisfactory for families.

The Endless Reward-Penalty System Debate in the World of Pedagogy

Today, punishment and reward in child education remains one of the most controversial topics. Families researching on the subject can sometimes be even more confused. Some circles related to child psychology are against the reward and punishment system, while others believe that children cannot be given a good education without a reward and punishment system. Therefore, even when trying to focus on the subtle nuance we are talking about, families continue to worry about whether they are doing the right thing.

In conclusion, although there are many different approaches to 'reward-punishment systems and paying the price' in the world of pedagogy, there is one fact that is universally accepted. And that is that children learn to take responsibility and behave in the right way by going through the following paths:

• Explain the issue
• Setting an example
• Doing it together
• Encouragement to do it alone
• Rewarding
• Imposing sanctions

It is about the last two stages, and it is in these last two stages that parents find it difficult to educate their children.

What is Paying for Behavior in Children?

First of all, let's be clear about what confuses parents about this issue. When it comes to punishing or paying a price, the target should definitely not be the child, but the child's behavior. This is where the biggest mistake is made. Punishing the child often does not work. Because the child is not paying for his/her behavior, the child himself/herself is being punished. The concept of 'paying a price' is considered by parents as a more severe sanction than punishment, but this is wrong. Experts always emphasize that punishment is a more severe sanction for children.

Let's clarify the issue with an example. Suppose you explain to your child that 'if you don't eat, you don't play'. The child does not eat and does not play. In this case, it is not the child's behavior that is punished, but the child. At the same time, the child's behavior of not eating is legitimized. In other words, the child perceives not eating as an option and chooses not to eat at the risk of not playing. However, in life itself, in the natural flow of life, there is a price to pay. Every individual makes decisions by thinking about the consequences of their behavior.

For example, if you are late for a flight, you miss the flight. If you don't pay the electricity bill, your electricity is cut off. However, punishing the children themselves, not their behavior, is like cutting off your electricity because you missed your flight. Is there such a natural balance in life? No, there is not. So why don't we teach children that their choices have consequences, and expect a positive outcome by punishing them themselves?

As you are aware, there is a price to pay in life and this price is related to choice. While teaching children to take responsibility and to behave correctly, they should also be taught that there is a price for misbehaving. For example, when your child does not eat, he/she will get hungry after a while. Not giving your child food when he/she is hungry is punishing your child. However, when he/she is hungry, telling him/her that there are more food options on the table at mealtime and that there are not so many options anymore, or offering only one food option is a case of paying a price. In this situation, the child learns that there is a price for his/her choice, i.e. not eating, and his/her approach to the subject begins to change over time.

This can be seen as too harsh by parents. On the contrary, experts say that paying a price is a milder sanction than punishment. For example, if you tell a child who has a tantrum and breaks his toys to stay in his room for 2 hours as a punishment, you are not punishing this behavior of your child, but punishing the child himself. However, if you tell him that you will not buy him new toys, he is paying for his behavior. The difference between these two is very important for the education of children.

Never Overestimate Your Child's Age, Skills and Personality!

The most critical aspect of paying the price is to make decisions that take into account the age, abilities and personality of the children. Let's take the example we just gave. When your child doesn't eat and is hungry afterwards, it's not right to simply say 'you don't eat at mealtime so you should prepare your own food'. Of course, your child may not be old enough to prepare food in the kitchen. In this case, you should also follow the 'I can help you if you want' approach.

Why should you take your child's personality into account? Like any adult, children get angry when they are hungry. Some children can become more angry when they are hungry. In this case, they should therefore pay for not eating in a different way, but still in relation to food. For example, you can offer a meal that your child does not like very much. You can say that there are no other food options. In this case, when he is hungry, he does not have to wait any longer and he pays for his choice. But he or she will also have eaten and will not throw a tantrum. You should also take your child's age into account. Children may not want to share their toys and this is quite normal for their age. In such a situation, you should not be tempted to punish them or make them pay the price. You should definitely consider your child's age and the situations specific to that age.

At what point should the reward come into play?

Children's positive behaviors should also be appreciated. Because positive behaviors that are not appreciated in children can disappear over time. For this reason, the reward system is also considered as one of the things that should be included in child education. It is even possible to say that rewarding facilitates discipline. It is often underlined by experts that thanking children is also beneficial. Thank your child occasionally when he or she behaves correctly.

Explanation is a critical element here. When you ask children to do or not to do something, you should also explain why. For example, let's say your child is crying and telling you something. Simply asking him/her to stop crying is not right and will most likely not work. A much better approach would be to say, "I have difficulty understanding what you are saying because you are crying, can you stop crying first and then try to explain, in that case I can understand what you are saying". When thanking, you should also explain why. Children should clearly hear from you which behaviors are appreciated.

It is also a big mistake to try to make children pay for every behavior immediately! First of all, you should think about the reasons and try to identify them. If you eliminate these reasons, the result will change automatically. Constantly making your child pay a price or punishing his/her behavior will affect his/her psychology much more negatively than you think. Finally, it is important to set limits for children. If you do not set limits for your children, you should not expect positive behavior from them. There should be rules and limits in every home and they should be explained to children in a language they can understand!